Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Not Okay

I thought when my husband got a job again, everything would be okay. I wouldn't have to stress about money and we could just go back to normal.

For 6 months, I told myself that as soon as he got a job, I would be okay.

I'm not.

Not by a long shot.

Apparently, all his getting a job did was pop the cork on all the other issues that I had tucked away so I could focus on the unemployed brokeness that was our life.

I can't even pin point the "one main thing" that is bothering me.

It's everything. All the time.

I am suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and sadness. More like despair really.

It floods me. I am drowning and don't know where to look for my life boat.

Now I am pinning all my "happiness" on the first day of school.

"As soon as school starts, I'll be better. Things will be fine."

I can only hope.

3 comments:

Judi said...

I am so sorry Tenille.
I know that drowning feeling and not knowing how to stop it.
I wish I could tell you some miracle pills or great words of wisdom to help, but I haven't found any for myself yet!
♥♥♥

Donda said...

"Peeks and valleys"..and "this too shall pass" are good ones to make it through the day. I know what it feels like to "wait" for something better to happen. Do you have anyone you can talk to about stuff?

Melissa Bastow said...

I do that too. Once I hit one of those "I'll just feel better when..." goals, I realize that nothing really changed and I just start reaching for the next moment when things will "finally get better".

However, lately, I have been completely ignoring my phone. And much of my inbox. And I do frivolous things like read a book ALL day while my kids run around the house playing freeze tag in their underwear. Which is sort of helping...in a very non-productive, not answering my phone really ticks off my extended family, but I just don't care, sort of way.