How Autism Changed My Life

Without a doubt, Autism has changed my life.

If and when I figure out if it was for worse or for better, I'll let you know.

Most days, I just don't know.

Sometimes I am bothered when people tell me how "blessed" I am to have these 2 boys in my life.

I often wonder if they would say that to me when my 7 year old has just kicked me in the face. Or when he has spit all over me. Or when he has a death grip on my hair because someone is singing and it makes him mad.

Or maybe when I am cleaning up my almost 9 year old's poop because he is still not fully potty trained.

I know people think I am this incredibly stong person. I am afraid that if I told the truth, they would be disappointed in me.

I don't feel strong. I feel scared and confused and sometimes angry. I guess I am a better acrtess than I thought.

I cry a lot because I feel so inadequate. I feel like these sweet babies deserve someone who knows a lot more about this than I do. Books have not helped a whole lot. We have a fun little learning curve in this house.

I'm probably a lot more patient than I used to be. I don't think that anyone that knew me 15 years ago whould have thought I would have 2 special needs kids. I know I didn't.

But I wish I was more patient. I feel crazy and overwhelmed most of the time. I feel bad for needing a break. For wanting to get away for a while. Shouldn't I be 100% devoted to these boys all the time?

Autism has made me feel selfish.

Despite everything, I wouldn't change a thing. I love them. Just the way they are. Changing any single thing would take away the essence of who they are. It's not a risk I am willing to take.

The Viscious Circle... or, the curel joke that is my life. Whatever.

My water bill is $95 this month. In the month of December, I used over $34 in water alone. And another $26 in "waste water".

Why is my bill the size it should be for a home watering a lawn in July??

Because Bryon thinks he needs a bath everytime he needs to poop. As in, he poops in the tub. Which means that he then needs a shower and I need to scrub the tub with bleach.

Why does Bryon feel the need to poop in the tub?

Oh, right. Because I have an 8 year old that eats mostly baby food and macaroni and cheese.

And that's not going to change any time soon.

Awesome.

All In A Day. Or In My Case, An Hour And A Half

Timmy was in rare form today. His mood had improved since I wrestled him onto the bus this morning, so all was now well.

I tolerated him throwing ice down my shirt because he thought the sound I made was funny. I'm a pretty tolerant mom when I need to be.

And then I saw this...



He said he was "a cute puppy". (I blame Blue's Clues)

I said it was a huge waste of my mascara.

Anyway... apparently taking his picture caused him a great deal of distress. As I was consoling him because he was so distraught, Aly decided to get in on the hug.

I tried to move away so he wouldn't kick her in his agitation, but I was too late.

She started to scream and I pulled this out of Tim's hand.



Now, it might not look like a lot, but she has really light hair. And really, does it matter HOW MUCH hair your brother has just pulled out of your head?

Mr. Raccoon went to time out and Aly continued to cry through her snuggle.

I asked her if she was ok and she clearly decided to press the advantage of her recent injury.

"No, I just wanna watch 'Rockadoodle'."

I could not contain my laughter. Thankfully, my laugh is contagious and Aly was soon laughing as well.

Needless to say, we are watching "Rockadoodle". Much to my chagrin.

Dilemma

Timmy has issues. Most autistic kids do. I try to let him be himself unless/until someone else gets hurt. He can get mean (my sister has nicknamed him 'angry bird' because he's cute and mean) and when he gets mean, there's trouble.

We always say that Timmy's fine until he isn't.

Here's the dilemma. He has buttons, and Aly knows every one of them. Not only that, she likes to push them. All. The. Time.

My life is a never ending circle of timing time outs.

It's difficult to explain that while yes, she did get hurt in the end, she is still getting punished because she "started it". Ane believe me, she starts it.

The moment I get Tim calmed down, she starts again. My poor boy get so hysterical it's like he can't even see me for his rage/hyteria/determination to get her.

It's almost as if he shouldn't get time out because he can't help his reactions, but I kinda have to because he does ultimately hurt her.

I feel like I'm on a violent merry go round that won't ever end.

I would like to get off now, please.

Finger Painting...

We were finger painting. I walked away to answer my phone. Then had to hang up in a hurry because I saw this...

What Can I Say...

The kid LOVES calendars.



Yes, it came off. I do love magic erasers.

Brilliant

Do I really need to say anything?

My kid's a smarty pants.

Creative, too.