Monday, April 2, 2012

How Autism Changed My Life

Without a doubt, Autism has changed my life.

If and when I figure out if it was for worse or for better, I'll let you know.

Most days, I just don't know.

Sometimes I am bothered when people tell me how "blessed" I am to have these 2 boys in my life.

I often wonder if they would say that to me when my 7 year old has just kicked me in the face. Or when he has spit all over me. Or when he has a death grip on my hair because someone is singing and it makes him mad.

Or maybe when I am cleaning up my almost 9 year old's poop because he is still not fully potty trained.

I know people think I am this incredibly stong person. I am afraid that if I told the truth, they would be disappointed in me.

I don't feel strong. I feel scared and confused and sometimes angry. I guess I am a better acrtess than I thought.

I cry a lot because I feel so inadequate. I feel like these sweet babies deserve someone who knows a lot more about this than I do. Books have not helped a whole lot. We have a fun little learning curve in this house.

I'm probably a lot more patient than I used to be. I don't think that anyone that knew me 15 years ago whould have thought I would have 2 special needs kids. I know I didn't.

But I wish I was more patient. I feel crazy and overwhelmed most of the time. I feel bad for needing a break. For wanting to get away for a while. Shouldn't I be 100% devoted to these boys all the time?

Autism has made me feel selfish.

Despite everything, I wouldn't change a thing. I love them. Just the way they are. Changing any single thing would take away the essence of who they are. It's not a risk I am willing to take.