That's me. Back when Caroline did my hair. I have 0 hair skills.
A wife of 1.
A mother of 3.
A diet coke addict.
A daughter of God.
No, I do not "suffer" from depression. I am depressed. I am not sad, overwhelmed, or having a bad day. I am depressed. Depression isn't feeling sad. It means you don't feel anything. I take a depression medication and an anti anxiety medication. (Anyone who dares call them happy pills will be promptly slapped.)
Why? Who knows. My best guess is that while I am currently living the life I always thought I wanted, it isn't what I thought it would be.
Now, if at this point you feel the need to tell me how strong and great I am, don't. Caroline will never post that comment. Because, honestly, I don't want to hear it. Not when I can't agree with you. Not even a little bit.
I have never talked of this before because people are stupid. They like to inform me that I do not have the RIGHT to be depressed.
I am not allowed to be depressed because I have 2 autistic kids that need me so I need to pop a xanax and suck it up. I pop plently of xanax, but I refuse to suck it up any longer.
I am not allowed to be depressed about special needs because:
-My kids are "not that disabled" Yep, people tell me this.
-There are people out there who would like to have any child. Even an autistic one.
The last one actually ties into the reasons why I am not allowed to be depressed about having a hysterectomy at age 26. Yep, 26.
While in recovery, a nurse came in to check on me and saw my age on my wrist band. She gasped when she saw how young I was and said, "oh, you poor thing. did you even have a chance to have kids?"
I explained that I had 3 and my youngest was a mere 4 months old. 2 boys and a girl.
"Oh, well then you're good."
I beg your pardon? How do you know I'm "good"?? How about the fact that my daughter will never have a sister? I am one of 5 girls. I understand and respect the bond of sisterhood. My baby will never have that.
People like to throw out adoption as if it is actually an easy and viable option. Do you know how hard and expensive adoption is?
However, it still comes back to the fact that I have had 3 children when there are people out there who can't have any. They are allowed to be depressed. Maybe.
This is true. There are women that cannot have children. I am related to a few. I feel for these women. What is harder? Never having children or carrying 3 little people inside you and then having that very vital part of your womanhood ripped out of you at age 26? Guess it depends on which side of the line you are on.
I know exactly what I am missing. And it hurts. I smile and laugh and joke, but I am genuinely devestated over the loss of my uterus. I see pregnant people and new babies and I ache. But I can't tell anyone, because I don't have the right.
I think the hardest thing is all the people that tell me how special I must be. How strong I must be. How much they admire me.
Why? I am nobody special. I feel like I have something to live up to when people say this. Like people are watching me because I have special kids so I must be some super fantastic person.
I feel like I am drowning. I feel like God has made a mistake. I feel grossly unqualified to be the mother of these undoubtedly special children.
I feel inadequate. Nothing you can say will change that.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Posted by Tenille at 12:06 AM